Suck It

Suck It: a cynicist’s manifesto

· 1. Cynicism is our biggest virtue. We question everyone’s motives and we laugh at all forms of genuine belief or sincerity of expression. Political issues are always up for criticism, as are religion and the environmentalists.

· 2. Exploitation is key – we exploit the un-artucated*, for it is what allows our livelihood to function in the Art world. You have no idea what sawing a horse into sections and putting them in a glass case could possibly have to do with Art, but it DOES because we tell you it does, and you buy it. You buy it because we wear designer eyewear and dark clothing and therefore we know what we are talking about, and what’s best for you.

*Sub-point: we also make up words to further our purposes of making you believe anything we say about Art so that you will think it’s important and buy it.

· 3. Exploitation of other cultures has become a major tool. The aesthetic of the rich white aristocrat is no longer very… flavorful. It’s boring and passé. But the culture of others is much more spicy – literally, it smells like curry! So we’ll use their motifs and designs as our own to make it more worldly and exciting.

· 4. Acrylic is the best medium. After all, is it not true that Art represents the trends of its own contemporary society? And today’s society is all about mass-production and consumption of genetically altered and machine-made products, so why wouldn’t we make paintings that look like the neon glow of Times Square? Slather on that day-glow pink shiny resin, all over that canvas, until it’s thick like the Pepto Bismal signs on the subways!

· 5. Abstract is never passé. Who says Modernism is dead? We can still get away with painting indistinct lines on a black background and call it meaningful, just make it a little shinier.

· 6. Sculpture is still perfectly acceptable, but it has to make even less sense than a black and pink shiny painting. And it can’t be made in any historic media, like clay or bronze – it must be mostly found objects that most people see as trash before they take a closer look to discover its true meaning.

· 7. Going digital – the whole world is pretty much there already. No longer are we interested in what marks humans can make but what humans can make with machines and computers – after all, we made them to think better than we can. So use your machines to sculpt some blue bulbous animal-like aliens and place them in a stark white environment that exists nowhere and then have a huge printer recreate it in 1,000dpi for a nice wall piece. The White Cube could probably get $15,000 for it.

· 8. Making to sell is paramount, as always, but don’t think that there aren’t those who still prefer spiritual Art. Like we said, Modernism isn’t dead – acrylic coated candy wrappers smeared to some plywood will take you to a simpler childhood time. And no one gets tired of flowers, even though they might say so.